Today is the 15th of January, 2024. Lately, I’ve been struggling considerably in my mind. On one hand, I know undoubtedly that God has had His hand on my life and I feel blessed beyond measure.
On the other hand, I’ve been dealing with some personal issues that are gnawing at me.
Singleness
As a youth, I had a great desire to fall in love. As I grew older, the desire never really left me, but I was able to put it in a box. Eventually, I did realize that if we cannot be content with Christ alone, we would not find fulfillment in a spouse.
I learned that searching for happiness in another person was a futile effort. What kind of man would I be if the weight of my purpose was left on the shoulder’s of someone else?
Well, that’s what council is generally given anyway. And while I do believe there is truth to this, I do not believe God designed us to be alone. So, here is the thought process I now subscribe to:
If God wills it for me to live a life of singleness, so be it. I will strive to honor Him in whatever ways I can. He is sovereign and who am I to question His authority. However, I will continue to pray for a spouse I may or may not find.
In recent years, as I feel my youth begin to leave me, I’ve grown a desire to build a life with a someone I can serve God with.
I’m Getting to the Point
Maybe I’ll go into detail in a later post, but recently I made contact with someone I’ve taken a romantic interest in.
I feel ridiculous because I don’t even know this girl, and I’m already stressing over the outcome. I asked God that if “she isn’t for me” please just let me down quickly and gently. I don’t want to waste her time, and I certainly don’t want to experience more hurt. Why would I even have to meet her if it wasn’t meant to be? And why am I so mentally/emotionally consumed with someone I don’t even know well?
And the worst part is that the constant battle in my mind with uncertainty leads me to believe it isn’t meant to be. But how am I to know either way!?
My Revelation
This post isn’t about my love interests, but rather it’s about a revelation I had recently. So that’s enough backstory.
I struggle with many things, but lust is one of the greatest. When I’m feeling discouraged or looking for an outlet, I often turn to a release. More often than not, I find that it’s lust. I don’t know if it’s a simply “release” for me, or if it’s a thoughtless way to temporarily get my mind off someone. But I realized something.
As I continue to seek God’s will and pray for a spouse, I was overwhelmed with the truth that If I turn to sin now, what will stop my from turning to sin when I’m married?
Where Am I Running?
If I turn to lust because I’m struggling with even the idea of a relationship, what stops me from turning to other women when I have a struggle with my future wife?
Now, it is easy for me to say: “I am single, if I were married I wouldn’t do such a thing”. And maybe so, but it’s easy to say. I don’t know if it’s easy to do.
When we face the battles in life, Christ wants us running to Him, not to sin.
That’s all I have for today. I’m pretty discouraged at the moment, but I pray this helps someone someday.
I’m making a conscious effort to better the man that I am and prepare myself for a biblical role of manhood and husbandhood.
Sincerly,
A wretched saint
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